


The Difference You Make

by len1985



Category: Berena - Fandom, Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-18 15:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9391265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/len1985/pseuds/len1985
Summary: Serena has lost Elinor and Bernie tries to be there for her.





	

Major Berenice Wolfe, Army Medic and Trauma Surgeon was logic, rationality and decisiveness when faced with scenarios that would make even the strongest constitutions unsteady. Bernie Wolfe, woman and partner was a hot mess. Hidden well mind you but ever present, just below the stoic exterior was a damn softie, all things considered, and the floodgates were unlocked and the hatches were precariously not battened at present. It was difficult to know what to do. Elinor's loss was a weight on all their chests, none heavier than on Serena's. Bernie had only known the young woman an unfairly short amount of time and wouldn't necessarily say they got along, but seeing the hole left in Serena's life was heart-breaking. Did she have the right to cry when Serena was bravely holding the tears at bay? When the pain became too much to keep in any longer as they lay in bed together, Serena would shake and sob as the full implications of her grief clutched at her heart and took over her body. Bernie was always there beside her, holding her and knowing there would never be enough tears to wash this away. Elinor was never coming home and Serena had lost her only baby. Bernie could say that she understands, that she can imagine what that's bound to feel like. But why lie? It was and should be unimaginable. The proper order of things was for parents to go first and hope that they'd provided their children with the tools to carry on. There must be no other pain comparable and hearing that pain take hold of the woman she loved filled Bernie with unfathomable sorrow. She had not told Serena that she loved her. The timing now might make it look like pity or dutiful comfort.

It ripped Bernie apart to see Serena in this state and there was nothing to be done. What could fix this? Bernie realised that she couldn't really. Their was no magic wand to be waved, no time machine to go back and right this. This was a wrong that would now and forever remain unresolved. To be carried by this beautiful, loving, gentle woman for the rest of her days. If someone did not deserve this (not that anyone did) it was certainly her Serena. For as long as she'd known the brunette, Serena had cared for everyone around her with such warmth and consideration. To see some of her fire extinguished was like seeing a star burn out, as if a part of Serena's soul had gone with Elinor. Bernie had her own daughter and could not even for a second picture a world where this could happen. If there was anything that could be given to ease Serena's pain, she would give it willingly.

Once things had returned to what would now be their twisted normality, the funeral was a distant memory and Serena had scarcely left her room for weeks, Bernie tentatively enters to bring her dinner and check on her. Serena's eyes are red, puffy and sunken from crying. She hadn't eaten much of anything and rarely washed or showered properly. It shocked Bernie just how small she looked huddled in the duvet, just staring blankly at nothing in particular.

"Serena, honey. I brought you something to eat." Bernie carries the tray over to the bedside table and sets it down next to the brunette. She switches on the table lamp and Serena flinches as the light sears into her eyeballs and increases her headache. "Come on, let's sit you upright so you can have some cottage pie." Bernie helps to prop her up on the pillows and encourages Serena to take the fork in her right hand. She is pleased to see her eat a considerable bit more than she had for a while. "Jason went back to work today." Bernie tries to keep her up to date with titbits of goings-on, hoping she will engage on some level. "Everyone asks after you and they send their love." Bernie had kept in touch with her colleagues and was touched by all the kind words and wishes to relay to Serena.

"Maybe I could take a shower now." Serena hasn't spoken a lot in the past few weeks and Bernie is struck by how much she's missed her voice.

"That sounds like a plan." Bernie smiles softly at her as she lifts the tray to let her up. "I'll just tidy these up and leave you to it."

"No. Stay. Will you...will you come with me? To the shower." Serena looks pleadingly at the blonde.

"I, um, ok." Bernie puts the dishes back on the side. "I can sit in the bathroom with you, ok?"

"No, I want you in the shower with me." Serena clarifies and starts to strip off.

Bernie turns to give her some privacy, ridiculous since they'd soon be in the shower together. She starts to take off her own clothes and throws everything in the laundry basket. She switches the water on, giving it a few minutes to warm up and fetches two bath sheets from the top drawer, leaving them on the heated rail.

Serena slips past her and into the shower, letting the spray tingle her skin. Bernie carefully lifts all of Serena's shower essentials from the cabinet and brings them with her to join the brunette. She gently coaxes Serena to wet her hair under the shower head and washes her hair for her. Rubbing her fingers through brown locks to make sure all the suds are rinsed out. Taking Serena's favourite shower gel, she squeezes some into her palm and softly massages it into tired, aching muscles. The smell and the softness of Serena's skin make her smile slightly, until a pang of guilt washes over her. She finishes the task at hand. "There, all clean." She doesn't mean to kiss Serena's stomach as she stands back up, it just happens before she has a chance to think it over. And her hand brushing over one of Serena's nipples was purely unintentional. "Oh God, Serena I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'll just go dry off and let you relax for a while longer."

It had been weeks since they'd touched or kissed, there was very little intimacy, bar Bernie holding Serena as she cried. Not that Bernie was pushing for anything of the sort, if and when Serena wanted that again she would wait for her cue. They had so much more than just sex and Bernie had finally found her reason to stop running, her person to run to and she would never want anything more or less than exactly what Serena chose to give her. She reaches for the shower door to step out and give Serena some space. Serena's hand on her wrist stops her.

"Don't go. Bernie, I want you to know that I am so grateful for you. How you've been with me since... Your patience and goodness, your strength and being here for me. Just being you. Thank you." Serena caresses Bernie's inner wrist with her thumb and smiles a little.

"I'm always here for you, Serena." Bernie smiles back at her, glad that she's been making some small difference, that she has been what Serena needed her to be. She had been so unsure.

Serena lifts the hand that she's been holding on to and places it on her heart, her own over the top keeping it there. Slowly she advances and kisses Bernie tenderly.

Bernie tries not to let desire take over, that's not what this moment is about. The weight of Serena's lips against her own makes her heart feel whole again. "Let's get you dry, Ms Campbell." Bernie shuts off the water and wraps them in the towels, before helping Serena to dry her hair. She loves running her fingers through Serena's hair, so enticing and soothing all at once.

They changed into their pyjamas and Serena feels up to heading downstairs to say goodnight to Jason. He is thrilled to see her up and about. "Goodnight Auntie Serena!" He beams at her and she kisses him on the cheek. She would try to spend some more time with him again now that she's feeling a bit stronger. She was so blessed to have Bernie and Jason to remind her that she would always be loved.

Bernie read to her for a little while, as she had every night since the funeral. This time Serena was able to hold on to some of the words and let Bernie's voice soothe her heart. When she felt herself growing tired, she placed a hand on Bernie's arm to signal that they could continue tomorrow night perhaps. Bernie places a quick kiss to her forehead and guides them in to brush their teeth.

They settle back under the covers and Bernie cuddles Serena to her, the brunette's head in the crook of her arm. Serena's hand rests over Bernie heart.

"It will always hurt. Missing Ellie." Serena confesses. Bernie nods because it would undoubtedly be true. "But I don't want her life to stand for making me sad. She brought me so much pride and joy, it wouldn't be right to have that be forgotten. I want to remember her, as she was and not how much it hurts that she's gone."

"There will be mixtures of both I'd say, but I'll help you. We can laugh and smile about all the wonderful things she did and I will hold you when it all gets too much. I always believed that the measure of how much a person was loved is reflected in how much they are missed when they're gone." Bernie squeezes Serena tighter to her.

"I love you." Serena hadn't told Bernie yet but if she'd learned anything recently, it was to always say it when you had the chance.

"I love you, Serena."

They fell asleep like that and it was the first night that Serena had slept soundly in the longest time.


End file.
